Genevieve, My Presh' Babycake

This is an ode to Genevieve:
Genevieve is possibly one of the greatest people in ze world.
She's one of the very very few people that can handle me when I'm in a terrible mood (i.e. calmly reminding me that koala bears have two penises).
So thank you Genevieve, 'cause you take what is in your head and you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends.
I'm really glad she's alive.
Genny has a good color of hair at the moment. I'ma fan.
Genny is one of the most intelligent people I know. And her sense of humor intertwines with her smart brain, and the words that come out of her mouth... they're so great. Oh, Genny and her diction!!!!
She's also one of the prettiest people I know. Seriously, her face. I like it a lots. (Homo, baby. All the way.)
My Math Guardian whispered to me that she likes you, too.

Cheers to you, Genevieve!

Love,
Jess.

Haiku: For Happiness

All that matters for
Happiness, is this: let there
Be sugar and beans.

The Lion in its Den

(Hey, here's a personal essay I wrote. This early memory in my brain is about 4 to 5 seconds long, but I decided to write it down anyways.)

The Panthera Leo, also known as, the lion, is one out of four type of cat in the genus species: Panthera. Its closest relatives of the lion’s genus species are the tiger, the leopard, and the jaguar. Some male lions can weigh up to, or exceed, 550 pounds. Male lions are recognizably distinguished by their rather large and bushy manes. Currently, lions live in Sub-Saharan Africa and Asia.

            And though these are all facts, that last one is wrong. You see, my next-door neighbor, the Mildenstein’s, had a pet lion that they kept in their backyard (even though they indeed have the potential to seriously injure or kill animals and human beings.). We do not live in Sub-Saharan Africa or Asia—we live in Orem, Utah, America. It was a male—I could tell by its mane—and it was real big, though not as tall as the chain-linked fence that separated the properties, that separated the lion from my brother and me. I was three years old, my brother was five. We were bored, so we decided to tease the lion in his den.

            Of course, it wasn’t an actual den. In the corner of our yard, the place where the grape covered wooden fence and chain-linked fence met, the tall bushes cleared an area where you can walk up and see our neighbor’s yard clearly through the chain-links. But, of course, you couldn’t see the neighbor’s yard clearly when the mass of a lion’s body was in the way.

            I remember giggling loudly as I got closer and closer to the fence, the lion’s den, and my older brother urging me to get closer to it with him. I could see the lion with his mane, standing proudly.

            I heard a noise. A scream? A yell? The term for a lion’s yell would be a “roar.” The roar was the loudest noise I had ever heard. The roar was a sharp pang I felt in my heart and shook through my body. It was so loud in fact, the wind from the roar knocked me back and I feel onto the wet grass below me.

            Luckily, the entrance to my house just happened to be nearby, so I ran for cover, out of fear, screaming all the way, hoping that I wouldn’t hear any more roars on my way. I didn’t cry too hard, I was just scared, but I felt a couple hot tears on my chipmunk-cheeks.

***

            Later my mom informed me that my neighbor’s never owned a lion, but they did own a large dog, and they cut its hair to make it look like it had a mane.

            I disagree. My memory from when I was three distinctly portrays a Panthera Leo, a lion.

Hello!!!!!

So, does this background make it easier to read? Feedback, please.
Do de doopy derp. What?
So lately, my blog sucks. Sorry about that. I really don't know what to say.

But, if you want, you can giggle at this silly man.

What a silly man.

************

Oh, and here's an image that has to do with boobs.

Are those boobs?!?!?

So... yeah. Hope you're life is doing alright. See ya.

Updates On Past Time

(Probably mostly everyone that reads this already knows some of the stuff I'm gonna ramble about, but I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for myself. So suck it.)
I have a bunny named Bunny. My dad found her in his parking lot off of State Street, poor skinny bony bunny. But she hopped up and sat on his foot, so he took her home. She's crazy about blueberries, carrots, and dandelions. One time she hoped in a plant in my front room and started digging in the dirt. So now we don't have that plant in the living room. She did have a cage, but she doesn't really use it. My house and my backyard is her cage, which is awesome in comparison to other bunny situations in the world. (In fact I'm pretty sure Bunny ran away from these Mexicans that were going to eat her near my dad's karate studio... My dad almost took a goat and sheep home one day apparently? Couldn't fit em in the Carola, was his excuse.) Also, Bunny runs around your feet in circles when she's excited to see you and it's so cute. And she likes to snuggle. And, it's cute when she cleans her ears. But it's friggin weird when she makes gasping sounds, cause it sounds like a human. She also likes to lick feet like a dog with her long skinny tongue. When she get scared, she runs inside in the living room and thumps her foot really loud. You can hear it throughout the house. (Oh yeah, we trained her to go through the doggy-door.)
Alright, moving on.
My job at Gingers was the most fantastic job I ever had (it was my first job), until August came along. Brittany, my boss, spontaneously moved to California to work on a marijuana farm. Which doesn't surprise me at all that she would, but it sucked that she left early without telling anyone. The provo location was closing anyways, but not until the 30th. We ended up closing early, but no one really told me in time, so I missed the walkabout this year. Which, I was okay with it, cause it sounded crazy this year, with the whole seizure thing and the Morgan almost dying of heat stroke thing, and also I got to spend time with mah brother and sister-in-law while they were in town.
Moving on.
I'm excited, but scared as shit, to be growing up. Money. I need a lot of it. To live. Maybe I'll just make my hobo short story a reality and just live in the Salt Lake City Airport and eat out of garbage cans, and look through people's luggage and smell people's underwear. I probably won't smell people's underwear. But if I was desperate to brush my teeth, I would most definitely use a strangers toothbrush and toothpaste.
Anyways, this is a not-fer-sure thing at all, but Lara has nominated me to visit Mount Holyoke in November, for free and everything, flight paid for and everything, and I would sleep in someone's dorm. By myself. Traveling across the country by myself and sleeping in a complete stranger's room. But, if everything works out and I DO get to even go, we're gonna try to see if I can hop on a train from MH to Bryn Mawr to Ingrid, and then we would go to New York to where Eva goes to college. Which sounds awesome, but then I think of who I am and it scares me really bad. But I really hope I do get to visit at least Bryn Mawr sometime during the school year; I've been pretty flip-floppy about the whole women's college thing. Not sure how I feel about it. But, it would be good to visit.
I don't want to take the fucking SAT.
So yeah.... St. John's College in New Mexico sounds pretty cool, too. I probably won't go there though. I think I only like it in theory.
Oh hey, speaking of stressful things, I got a planner. I wrote a list of homework on each date, and I feel a lot better, since I had homework from every class except for one. Now I know what I should do first. I really hope I don't turn into a crazy bitch this school year, again.
Hey, so there was this really big moth in my house and it freaked me out. Hayli looked up if moths bite, and this is what she found:

Also, not all moths have mouths.

I drank like a million cups of water with mint and lemon in it today. It's good.
I also made Earl Grey Cuppycakes and they were fucking delicious and I'm making them again.
AAAH It's almost my birthday. But, it's Tyler's birthday today. And then Tess's birthday is even sooner. And. Probably someone else's birthday cause I remember last year that there were sooooo many birthdays in september.
I got a soft case for my accordion yesterday.
Um um ummmm.
THIS IS A GARBAGE POST!!!! CONGRATULATIONS IF YOU READ ALL OF THIS CRAP!!! YOU JUST WASTED YOU'RE TIME!!!!! YEEEEEAH!!!

Earl Grey

Earl Grey is such a lovely tea; wonderful to have any time of day. I usually take it with a 'lil sugar and almond milk. Sounds great, right? What can be better than that fantastic beverage?
...Well, what if, there was an UPGRADE from Earl Grey tea? Well now there is!!!
Scroll down and look at that food porn. Look. At. Eet.
I'm totally gon' make that.
Doesn't this just make you so thankful that there is good in the world??
Here will be an excerpt from my prayers tonight:
"Dear Cosmic Universe (or whatever Greater Being I feel like praying to tonight),
Thank you for letting a certain Chinese-Mandarin live on this Earth, who presented his blend of tea to Lord Grey, who was also living at the time. Thank you for having Lord Grey like the taste of it. Also, thank you for having the Earl Grey name the tea after himself-- even though it sounds selfish and should have been named after the Chinese-Mandarin-- I like saying the name "Earl Grey." Also, you have no idea how grateful I am that you put the idea in humans' heads to have tea included into recipes in some of the greatest works of confectionery and baked goods. And thank you for gifting thumbs to humans. Even though humans have probably done a lot of bad things, thanks to thumbs, humans have also made fricken delicious things with them. Like Earl Grey cuppycakes.
This whole chain of coincidences makes me happy. Unless of course, it was just fate, and all a part of your fantastic plan to please me, and others.
I love you.
Love, Jess. Amen.
(Post Script: I'm sorry if I got some of my facts wrong in the beginning of this prayer, I'm just trying to say that I'm thankful. Also, blame the wikipedia article I read about Earl Grey. Here it is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Grey,_2nd_Earl_Grey
Maybe you can settle this peacefully and just give the author of that article a vision of what really happened.... or something. Just brainstorming. Okay. Sorry. For Realz, Amen.)"

Pardon me, but this is a lady-post. (But really helpful. Just found this out today.)

Hi gals. ...And Morgan I guess.... (Morgan don't read this. Unless you want to hear about periods. Hey, yes I'm a girl, and I can bitch whenevah I want.)
So I woke up with the most horrific cramps. And I just layed in bed for three hours, cause they hurt so friggin bad. But once I got out, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to noon yoga. And I remember people saying that exercising helps, but there was no way in hell I was going to bend in any direction.
So while my mom left for yoga, I made this. 
Watch it. I think it's funny.
Anyways, here comes the more helpful part.
So I went into work today, and my fantastic boss, Brittany, was getting ready to end her shift. I still had bad cramps, so I asked her if she had anything that could help me. She didn't have anything on her, but she said that mint teas can be helpful. (She said that it's good for pregnancy, but it's just good for ovaries in general too. Plus all that stuff listed on that link.) Another thing that can be beneficial is raw cacao. (Scroll down to "Why Unprocessed Chocolate is Good For You.") Brittany said that this helps balance hormones and stuff. Also, this stuff is fucking delicious. You can get it at any health food store, and you can make hot chocolate with it and it will be good for you... but my favorite right now is this smoothie we make at Ginger's Cafe. Here's the recipe:

Chopped up banana
2oz raw cacao powder
about 1/2 or a 1/4 of an avocado
Agave (for sweetener, you can use honey or something of the like.)
about 2 cups of soy, almond, or regular milk. My favorite is almond.
A few ice cubes

It's delicious.
But, the #1 helpful treatment for terrible cramps, is Olbas Oil. It's often used for massages, to relax muscles, etc., etc. Brittany said that this helps her cramps pretty quickly, in three minutes tops, they're gone. You can get this at any health food store as well. (Notice: the first ingredient in Olbas Oil is peppermint. Mint = Good.) (Also, Olbas Oil can help with headaches, colds, etc. It's just miracle juice.)
Anyways, continuing with my story (aka: bitch time cause I'm on my period everyone), after she left I made mint tea and started feeling better. But once it was gone, my uterus was pissed. She was like, "Dude, why are you trying to get rid of the cramps? REVENGE!!!!" and it killed. I got so nauseated, I could barely stand up. I ran to the bathroom, thinking I was gonna puke. But I didn't, thank goodness. But really, I got lightheaded and my face went super pale. I literally thought I was slowly dying. I was hurting and nauseated so bad, I couldn't believe it.
I told everyone I was closing early, cause I tried making someone a sandwich earlier, but I could barely do it. Thank goodness Brinley, (the girl who used to work there) was doing teacher training in the yoga studio and I got her to make food for me. But after that I closed. My mom picked me up and I cried horrifically the whole way home. I told her about the Olbas Oil. We got home, she made me raspberry leaf tea (which is good for you when you're nauseated), and left for the health food store. Once she came back, I just rubbed a little where it was hurting. And, Brittany's preachings were true. They went away pretty quickly. Dissolved. Gone. Magic in a bottle. I'm definitely carrying a little bottle of that with me everywhere I go now.
So there you go. Bitchy story with helpful advice on the side.
And that is how my day went today. The end.
(I love you.)

The Attack (Followed By A Slight, Subtle Flow Of Urine In The Pants)

"Whaaat?! Another post in the same month? For realzz?!" You may ask. The answer is, "Uh-huh."
Anyways, I'm going to talk about the Fourth of July. Well, just fireworks, I guess. People only care for the 4th because of the fireworks anyway.
So every year when we have our Driveway Of Fireworks, someone always does SOMETHING clumsy. For example, I think it was last year when I threw a firework up in the air, but I threw it too soon, and I couldn't see where it would land until it started to light up two inches away from my face. I tripped and fell backwards, and the firework continued between my legs. Jamie also threw one up in the air, and the pine tree almost caught on fire.
This year was a lil different.
First of all, it was raining. But we started out with simple sparklers, then fountains, then we ran around in the warm rain in the street barefooted and with a California Candle in hand. It was kind of scary, I tried running away from it but I couldn't let go of the damn thing.
Anyways, the finale.
The high-flying fireworks are now legal in Utah, so we bought one for our finale. It said on the packaging-- as well as the guy that sold it to us told us-- that it goes about 75 feet in the air, and lasts about 30 seconds. So, that's what we were expecting.
My dad lit the thing in the middle of the street, when no cars were passing by.
We looked up, and saw a firework explode... maybe 20 feet in the air.
Apparently, this was the devil's firework, and this was only a distraction so the mass destruction could begin.
All of the sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I see some of the firework shoot out towards the lawn, bounce, and then explodes in the big, spherical way it does. (Now, keep in mind that what I'm about to say all happened in about 4 or 5 seconds.) Then I see my mom on the wet sidewalk, with her arms in the air and hips swing from side to side suddenly stop, and she crouched down and screamed. I heard the blood-curdling--yet playful-- scream as my sisters started to run up the driveway. Part of the firework launched across the street, and exploded in its spherical form and lit up my neighbor's porch. I looked at my dad that was a couple feet in front and to the right of me, crouch down so that the bit of firework missed hitting his face and exploded right next to me on the ground. As I slightly turned my head, I came to find a firework bite my cheek and explode in my face, as well as my thigh. Now I screamed, and as the fireworks boomed big and loud in my face, I peed. Just a lil bit. And then I ran, almost tripped, towards my house and behind the pine tree for cover, and my mom quickly followed. We watch the 7 seconds of remaining firework that did not shoot 70 feet in the sky, but more like 50 feet in every direction; the exploding balls probably about 2 or 3 feet in diameter. (Haha, exploding balls.)
So... we only got about 10-12 seconds of our dysfunctional finale, but if were any longer it might have done some serious damage.
So, that's how my Fourth of July went this year, folks.

Sarah-Jessica Parker Has A Horse-Dick Face, Or: The Most Pointless Day Of My Life. By Jess.

I may or may not delete this later. Because this is going to be a ranting blog post. But we'll see how this goes.
So, I suppose my day technically started at 2 a.m. That's when I fell asleep. (I'm finding it harder and harder to fall asleep without music playing, which isn't good. Cause I used to be good with sleeping schedules, and I don't wanna mess it up... I also have a job and yadda yadda yaddaaaa yeah.) Anyways, I was on the toilet the ENTIRE time in my dream, and people were just walking in and out. I was in this room and there were giant walls of glass. I was on display like a fucking animal in the zoo and people would go crazy when the animal takes a shit close to the observer. (I always got excited when the monkeys pissed on the window.) Anyway. All I can remember is that Dallas was being an asshole in some way, and I was just talkin' shit about him while I was on the toilet. It stressed me out.
Then I woke up at 8:30.
Then I'm pretty sure I stared at the computer screen (mostly facebook) until 10 or 11ish. Then I ate. Then my mom left for yoga, and my dad left for the Colonial Days in Provo, because he's doing something with his Irish band or something there. I watched some of this movie that was playing on TV called "Tamara Drewe." Then I tried to tell Hayli to tell me what to eat because I was hungry and we don't have that much food in our house. But she was no help.
And theeeen I helped Leila get her curly wig on, because Hayli and Leila were going to leave to do Irish dancing while my dad played music at Colonial Days. I didn't want to go to Colonial Days. So I stayed home by myself.
By this time, It's probably around 5:30. I watched Seinfeld, then Family Guy. Then I thought to myself, "I'm going to make myself some popcorn cause I want to eat something." So as I was making popcorn, I tried singing to myself, but I got embarrassed once I did. And then I started feeling bad about myself.
"Fuck you, Jess. You can't sing," said the bad voice in my head. :(
So then I went back, and nothing was on TV. So I went to the channels that play movies all day without commercials. They were all really crappy movies, so I settled on.... I don't remember what it's called, but Hugh Grant and Sarah-Jessica Parker were the main characters and yadda yadda. I decided on this one, because I saw "About A Boy" the other day on that same channel, and I was like, "Hey, I kind of like this movie. I was probably in a bad mood when I saw it the first time. But I like it this time." And you know, Hugh Grant was in it... so I was thinking, this movie might be good?
As I watched it, I was like, "Good God, Sarah-Jessica Parker looks like a.... horse.... skeleton.... alien. And her character is a bitch. Why does Hugh Grant love her? Hmm? Why? I don't fucking get it! His character is completely 2 dimensional!"
Then I was like, "Oh yeah, this is probably a chick movie."
And then I was like, "Dammit Hugh Grant, love ME!!!"
And then I realized, "Wait a minute, I don't like Hugh Grant all that much.... I just want a boyfriend."
And then I thought, "It's cause she's skinny, isn't it!!!!!"
And then I was like, "Goddammit I don't think I can watch the rest of this movie. This is terrible.  No more horse-skeleton and rambling ass-face for me. (Parker and Grant.)" But I watched it anyway.
And then I thought, "Wait wait. I shouldn't automatically make fun of Sarah-Jessica Parker's looks... I mean, I cut my own hair and I'm out of make up and I have this vein under my right eye and I have a million blackheads which makes my face look like a fucking orange peel."
Then my face was like this :(
And then I played with Bunny for a little bit.
And then I was like, "Shit I don't want to compare myself to Sarah-Jessica Parker!!!!! What am I thinking???"
And then I was like, "I can't believe I just watched that whole movie when I could have done something productive while I am home alone."
But I still felt bad about my face, so I looked up home-remedies to get rid of blackheads. I'm going to try the lemon juice and rosewater mix. It's supposed to work completely in 2 weeks time.
Then I got really pissed off that I was feeling bad about myself for most of my day. Cause Usually I have a great time by myself. So I decided to get everything out in a blog post. And now I'm tired so I'll probably go to bed. Cause I have work tomorrow.
Bloopy bloop.
Horse-dick-face over and out.

Story Time, With Tess Bybee and Clarifying Questions by Jess Perry

me: Tess tell me a fucking story or something

 

 te:  OKay

This one time

There was a sheep

And he lived in, a fancy fancy fort

That was built by pixies

 

 me:  Did the sheep have a dick or a vajayjay?

 

 te:  It was a dick

ANyway

He fell a asleep in his fort one time

In a cute little sleeping bag

When he woke up, he realized he was being carried by something, or someone

But he was still in his sleeping bag, and so he couldn't see who it was

So he fell back asleep

 

 me:  was it a conspiracy?

 

 te:  Hush

Just listen

 me:  okay okay

 

 te:  So, when he woke up again

He was in a fancy fancy palace

 me:  made of teeth?

 

 te:  Some of it yes

 

 me:  were there rapists about?

 

 te:  No, I said hush!

 

 me:  kayyyy

 

 te:  So.. he was in a palace

And there was a very pretty big hairy thing

 

 me:  (that's the rapist?)

 

 te:  (that was bigfoot, but the sheep doesn't know what a bigfoot is)

 

 me:  (oh okay. So does bigfoot have a dick, or a vagina?)

 

 te:  Vagina

And there are no rapists in this story, so don't say that anymore!

Any way

The girl bigfoot was in a nice pretty dress, made out of people teeth

And the sheep said

"You are so pretty, I love your people teeth dress."

And the bigfoot said

 

 me:  Oh god they're going to mate, huh.

 

 te:  SSHHH

Jess, shut up

Just listen dammit

"And then...

The big foot said

"Thank you sooo much. People Ivory is the best, typed of ivory you know"

"That must have been expensive" said the sheep

"Actually I made it myself, from teeth that I extracted from people that I poached"

Said the bigfoot

 

 me:  (does big foot have a missing toe?)

 

 te:  Jess, hush

NO

Shh

okay, so

let me think

 

 me:  (does teeth come out instead of puss when she pops her zits?)

 

 te:  Jess

No

okay, then the sheep was like "I'd very much like to go on such an excavation, with a fine lady such as yourself"

And then

The Bigfoot said "Then we shall embark!"

 

 me:  The sheep. Is totally making a move on bigfoot. They're going to mate in the end, huh.

 

 te:  Jess, just listen

And the lady bigfoot put the sheep back in his sleeping bag, and went downtown

And then she punched some people in the face and got some teeth

And then she went back to her palace

 

 me:  Did she eat them like tic-tacs?

 

 te:  No

 

So she opened the sleeping bag to show her lil sheepy

But, the sheep had suffocated

 

 me:  :O

 

 te:  And so lady bigfoot cried and cried

and then she ate him

The end

 

 me:  Phew. Well, I'm glad that Bigfoot didn't do anything sexual after the sheep suffocated. That would have been messed up.

You were totally going to make something kinky happen until I asked about it huh

 

 te:  Yeah, but not that kinky.

Uh oh!

Dear Boobie-followers,

(Sorry I said that you should expect a post in the following week in the last post. I was just in a good mood then, and then after that I wasn't. So suck it. Here's one now.)
Just because I have very few followers, I'm going to tell you a naughty secret. It makes me giggle-y to think about it, but it's actually just embarrassing...
So this is the story: I went through the whole day wearing my underwear inside-out. I didn't notice 'till not too long ago.
And, me just being myself, I start over analyzing this obscure fact about today.
I took a test on copyright issues..... with my underpants on inside-out.
I played the ukulele and learned a new song.... with my underpants on inside-out.
I socialized with several different people... with my underpants on inside-out.
Then I tried imagining people's reactions if we were just in normal conversation, and then I just blurt out, "Aaaah my underwear is on inside-out right now."
Stephanie would probably cringe her face a little bit, then say, "Well I'm sorry to hear that."
Tess would probably say, "You dingus."
Genevieve would either start laughing, or say, "Jess. I don't want to know that right now," or look at me straight in the eye and say, "Jess. Are you having a moment?"
Morgan would probably say something like, "Sexy," or "Uhm, okay?"
Dallas would probably go like this: "Aaaaah! Jess don't tell me that!"
Mercedes' eyes would probably go real big, then say, "Jess! Really?!"
Shannen would probably tilt her head to the side and go, "Awww." Or, she would say, "Okay. I don't know why you just told me that."
Lara would probably tell me about a similar experience about herself. I think.

Anyways, that is my naughty secret for the day.

I LOVE it when this happens!

Hello, again! Hope you are feeling well.

You know, this really portrays how I feel today.

Have a swell day!

(P.S. Get ready for another post-- coming this week!)

Story Time With Jess Perry and Mercedes Navarro-Hartridge

Once upon a time, there was this fingernail that was thrown in the trashcan. He was like, "Uh oh! Shit! I don't know what to do! Ahhh!" he said in an Irish accent. Then a little kid looked into the trash can, and said, "Oh yum!! A fingernail!!" he picked it up and ate it. The fingernail yelled, "Please don't eat me!!!" and the kid looked down at it...
"Please! Oh god! Don't eat me!! Pleeeease!" said the fingernail. The kid thought he was hallucinating, and so he ate it anyway. It was dark and mushy in his system... he did not like it. Not one bit.
Years passed and the kid was grown up now, but he kept on eating fingernails, so the fingernail made a lot of friends that named him Steven. Steven could not get out of the little boy's system. No matter how hard he tried to get out from the other side, the boy would not allow it. In other words he never pooped.
The boy got really fat. He was just filled with so much poop! He had problems. His mother always tried to get him to poop as a kid, but he refused. She tried taking him to therapy sessions for shitting, but that didn't work either. He loved being filled with poop.
Steven, the fingernail, started getting depressed. he was cracked, and started getting moldy. He wanted to leap out of the boy's anus sooooo bad, but the boy duct taped his ass shut.
Poor Steven did not know what to do-- he has been digested twice, and did not want to die in the boy's large intestine. His friends and him did not have any more space to live! They were covered in poop from head to toe!
He said one day, "Uhhh this is disgusting guys!" and they nodded their fingernail heads in agreement. Steven decided that they must leave one day or they will stay there forever. So he got together with his ripped up fingernail friends and devised an escape plan.
"Okay guys, here's the plan," said Steve. "Some of us are still sharp. If he won't shit, we're gonna scratch our way out of his stomach. There's a soft spot next to his bellybutton." All the fingernails agreed this was the best plan yet. They waited till dusk to perform their task.... hoping, in their little nail-y hearts that the plan will work.......
Dusk came quickly. Steven was acting like a drill sergeant. "Ok move, move, move, move, move!" he yelled at his sharp friends. After an hour of hard work, they could see some light! They boy looked down at his stomach and saw a tiny little hole. It did not hurt him whatsoever, he was so full of shit that his system could not feel pain anymore. He looked at the hole in his stomach, shrugged and went on as if he didn't have a care in the world...
Shit started to leak out of the hole. "Hold on, men! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!!" Steve yelled. At first it was slow moving.... but then all the sudden the pressure from all the shit he had was released! The boy exploded from shit release! And that is how the boy died.
But, the fingernails were free!! Except that they went blind, because of how strong the sunlight was.
Only three of them survived that squirted out of the boy. The smell was so disgusting that it attracted all of the flies in the country. The three blind nails, wandered around the house of the kid. They were exhausted and broken.
Defenseless, they kept wandering. A dog suddenly found them and sniffed them. He licked their eyeballs and their sight returned...
"Oh, Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Ooooh man!" the nails cheered. The dog didn't eat them, because he had a feeling that they had feelings, and this was a very emotional dog.
Then the nails got a little depressed, because a lot of their friends died. But they turned out okay, because the dog was empathetic and helped them through their hard times.
They eventually rotted in the unsweeped kitchen floor, and died the way they did not want to die.
The End!!

My Current Breakfast: Fried Peanut Butter Tortilla and The World's Best Cuppa Coffee!

Bonjour!
Yeah I know it's been a month, so shut up. I just never know what to talk about.
Hmm... wanna hear about some events coming up? Okay, okay.
- This Saturday, Tess and I have another show at Muse... but the difference between this time and all the other times is that this is a Song Writers Competition! Aaaah! We need to practice. As much. As. We. Can.
- Next week is the beginning of the "Write a Novel In a Month" challenge. What is this, you might ask? Well, you see, it's a challenge that my English teacher gave my Writing Major class, where we... you know... write a novel in a month. Cool, huh?
- Uhm... in a couple weeks I'm going to go up to SLC again to the Sugar House Coffee place... and drink coffee. And probably eat a vegan cookie. And probably write. Because by then, it will be the middle of the "Write a Novel in a Month" thing.

Damn, this is boring.
... You know what's fun to say? "Bukowski." You know what's fun to read? Something by Bukowski.
Okay, now you should watch this sexy, shirtless man play the accordion.
Uhm.
Have a nice day!