Friday, July 29, 2011

Pardon me, but this is a lady-post. (But really helpful. Just found this out today.)

Hi gals. ...And Morgan I guess.... (Morgan don't read this. Unless you want to hear about periods. Hey, yes I'm a girl, and I can bitch whenevah I want.)
So I woke up with the most horrific cramps. And I just layed in bed for three hours, cause they hurt so friggin bad. But once I got out, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to noon yoga. And I remember people saying that exercising helps, but there was no way in hell I was going to bend in any direction.
So while my mom left for yoga, I made this. 
Watch it. I think it's funny.
Anyways, here comes the more helpful part.
So I went into work today, and my fantastic boss, Brittany, was getting ready to end her shift. I still had bad cramps, so I asked her if she had anything that could help me. She didn't have anything on her, but she said that mint teas can be helpful. (She said that it's good for pregnancy, but it's just good for ovaries in general too. Plus all that stuff listed on that link.) Another thing that can be beneficial is raw cacao. (Scroll down to "Why Unprocessed Chocolate is Good For You.") Brittany said that this helps balance hormones and stuff. Also, this stuff is fucking delicious. You can get it at any health food store, and you can make hot chocolate with it and it will be good for you... but my favorite right now is this smoothie we make at Ginger's Cafe. Here's the recipe:

Chopped up banana
2oz raw cacao powder
about 1/2 or a 1/4 of an avocado
Agave (for sweetener, you can use honey or something of the like.)
about 2 cups of soy, almond, or regular milk. My favorite is almond.
A few ice cubes

It's delicious.
But, the #1 helpful treatment for terrible cramps, is Olbas Oil. It's often used for massages, to relax muscles, etc., etc. Brittany said that this helps her cramps pretty quickly, in three minutes tops, they're gone. You can get this at any health food store as well. (Notice: the first ingredient in Olbas Oil is peppermint. Mint = Good.) (Also, Olbas Oil can help with headaches, colds, etc. It's just miracle juice.)
Anyways, continuing with my story (aka: bitch time cause I'm on my period everyone), after she left I made mint tea and started feeling better. But once it was gone, my uterus was pissed. She was like, "Dude, why are you trying to get rid of the cramps? REVENGE!!!!" and it killed. I got so nauseated, I could barely stand up. I ran to the bathroom, thinking I was gonna puke. But I didn't, thank goodness. But really, I got lightheaded and my face went super pale. I literally thought I was slowly dying. I was hurting and nauseated so bad, I couldn't believe it.
I told everyone I was closing early, cause I tried making someone a sandwich earlier, but I could barely do it. Thank goodness Brinley, (the girl who used to work there) was doing teacher training in the yoga studio and I got her to make food for me. But after that I closed. My mom picked me up and I cried horrifically the whole way home. I told her about the Olbas Oil. We got home, she made me raspberry leaf tea (which is good for you when you're nauseated), and left for the health food store. Once she came back, I just rubbed a little where it was hurting. And, Brittany's preachings were true. They went away pretty quickly. Dissolved. Gone. Magic in a bottle. I'm definitely carrying a little bottle of that with me everywhere I go now.
So there you go. Bitchy story with helpful advice on the side.
And that is how my day went today. The end.
(I love you.)

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Attack (Followed By A Slight, Subtle Flow Of Urine In The Pants)

"Whaaat?! Another post in the same month? For realzz?!" You may ask. The answer is, "Uh-huh."
Anyways, I'm going to talk about the Fourth of July. Well, just fireworks, I guess. People only care for the 4th because of the fireworks anyway.
So every year when we have our Driveway Of Fireworks, someone always does SOMETHING clumsy. For example, I think it was last year when I threw a firework up in the air, but I threw it too soon, and I couldn't see where it would land until it started to light up two inches away from my face. I tripped and fell backwards, and the firework continued between my legs. Jamie also threw one up in the air, and the pine tree almost caught on fire.
This year was a lil different.
First of all, it was raining. But we started out with simple sparklers, then fountains, then we ran around in the warm rain in the street barefooted and with a California Candle in hand. It was kind of scary, I tried running away from it but I couldn't let go of the damn thing.
Anyways, the finale.
The high-flying fireworks are now legal in Utah, so we bought one for our finale. It said on the packaging-- as well as the guy that sold it to us told us-- that it goes about 75 feet in the air, and lasts about 30 seconds. So, that's what we were expecting.
My dad lit the thing in the middle of the street, when no cars were passing by.
We looked up, and saw a firework explode... maybe 20 feet in the air.
Apparently, this was the devil's firework, and this was only a distraction so the mass destruction could begin.
All of the sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I see some of the firework shoot out towards the lawn, bounce, and then explodes in the big, spherical way it does. (Now, keep in mind that what I'm about to say all happened in about 4 or 5 seconds.) Then I see my mom on the wet sidewalk, with her arms in the air and hips swing from side to side suddenly stop, and she crouched down and screamed. I heard the blood-curdling--yet playful-- scream as my sisters started to run up the driveway. Part of the firework launched across the street, and exploded in its spherical form and lit up my neighbor's porch. I looked at my dad that was a couple feet in front and to the right of me, crouch down so that the bit of firework missed hitting his face and exploded right next to me on the ground. As I slightly turned my head, I came to find a firework bite my cheek and explode in my face, as well as my thigh. Now I screamed, and as the fireworks boomed big and loud in my face, I peed. Just a lil bit. And then I ran, almost tripped, towards my house and behind the pine tree for cover, and my mom quickly followed. We watch the 7 seconds of remaining firework that did not shoot 70 feet in the sky, but more like 50 feet in every direction; the exploding balls probably about 2 or 3 feet in diameter. (Haha, exploding balls.)
So... we only got about 10-12 seconds of our dysfunctional finale, but if were any longer it might have done some serious damage.
So, that's how my Fourth of July went this year, folks.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Sarah-Jessica Parker Has A Horse-Dick Face, Or: The Most Pointless Day Of My Life. By Jess.

I may or may not delete this later. Because this is going to be a ranting blog post. But we'll see how this goes.
So, I suppose my day technically started at 2 a.m. That's when I fell asleep. (I'm finding it harder and harder to fall asleep without music playing, which isn't good. Cause I used to be good with sleeping schedules, and I don't wanna mess it up... I also have a job and yadda yadda yaddaaaa yeah.) Anyways, I was on the toilet the ENTIRE time in my dream, and people were just walking in and out. I was in this room and there were giant walls of glass. I was on display like a fucking animal in the zoo and people would go crazy when the animal takes a shit close to the observer. (I always got excited when the monkeys pissed on the window.) Anyway. All I can remember is that Dallas was being an asshole in some way, and I was just talkin' shit about him while I was on the toilet. It stressed me out.
Then I woke up at 8:30.
Then I'm pretty sure I stared at the computer screen (mostly facebook) until 10 or 11ish. Then I ate. Then my mom left for yoga, and my dad left for the Colonial Days in Provo, because he's doing something with his Irish band or something there. I watched some of this movie that was playing on TV called "Tamara Drewe." Then I tried to tell Hayli to tell me what to eat because I was hungry and we don't have that much food in our house. But she was no help.
And theeeen I helped Leila get her curly wig on, because Hayli and Leila were going to leave to do Irish dancing while my dad played music at Colonial Days. I didn't want to go to Colonial Days. So I stayed home by myself.
By this time, It's probably around 5:30. I watched Seinfeld, then Family Guy. Then I thought to myself, "I'm going to make myself some popcorn cause I want to eat something." So as I was making popcorn, I tried singing to myself, but I got embarrassed once I did. And then I started feeling bad about myself.
"Fuck you, Jess. You can't sing," said the bad voice in my head. :(
So then I went back, and nothing was on TV. So I went to the channels that play movies all day without commercials. They were all really crappy movies, so I settled on.... I don't remember what it's called, but Hugh Grant and Sarah-Jessica Parker were the main characters and yadda yadda. I decided on this one, because I saw "About A Boy" the other day on that same channel, and I was like, "Hey, I kind of like this movie. I was probably in a bad mood when I saw it the first time. But I like it this time." And you know, Hugh Grant was in it... so I was thinking, this movie might be good?
As I watched it, I was like, "Good God, Sarah-Jessica Parker looks like a.... horse.... skeleton.... alien. And her character is a bitch. Why does Hugh Grant love her? Hmm? Why? I don't fucking get it! His character is completely 2 dimensional!"
Then I was like, "Oh yeah, this is probably a chick movie."
And then I was like, "Dammit Hugh Grant, love ME!!!"
And then I realized, "Wait a minute, I don't like Hugh Grant all that much.... I just want a boyfriend."
And then I thought, "It's cause she's skinny, isn't it!!!!!"
And then I was like, "Goddammit I don't think I can watch the rest of this movie. This is terrible.  No more horse-skeleton and rambling ass-face for me. (Parker and Grant.)" But I watched it anyway.
And then I thought, "Wait wait. I shouldn't automatically make fun of Sarah-Jessica Parker's looks... I mean, I cut my own hair and I'm out of make up and I have this vein under my right eye and I have a million blackheads which makes my face look like a fucking orange peel."
Then my face was like this :(
And then I played with Bunny for a little bit.
And then I was like, "Shit I don't want to compare myself to Sarah-Jessica Parker!!!!! What am I thinking???"
And then I was like, "I can't believe I just watched that whole movie when I could have done something productive while I am home alone."
But I still felt bad about my face, so I looked up home-remedies to get rid of blackheads. I'm going to try the lemon juice and rosewater mix. It's supposed to work completely in 2 weeks time.
Then I got really pissed off that I was feeling bad about myself for most of my day. Cause Usually I have a great time by myself. So I decided to get everything out in a blog post. And now I'm tired so I'll probably go to bed. Cause I have work tomorrow.
Bloopy bloop.
Horse-dick-face over and out.