Friday, February 11, 2011

Story Time With Jess Perry and Mercedes Navarro-Hartridge

Once upon a time, there was this fingernail that was thrown in the trashcan. He was like, "Uh oh! Shit! I don't know what to do! Ahhh!" he said in an Irish accent. Then a little kid looked into the trash can, and said, "Oh yum!! A fingernail!!" he picked it up and ate it. The fingernail yelled, "Please don't eat me!!!" and the kid looked down at it...
"Please! Oh god! Don't eat me!! Pleeeease!" said the fingernail. The kid thought he was hallucinating, and so he ate it anyway. It was dark and mushy in his system... he did not like it. Not one bit.
Years passed and the kid was grown up now, but he kept on eating fingernails, so the fingernail made a lot of friends that named him Steven. Steven could not get out of the little boy's system. No matter how hard he tried to get out from the other side, the boy would not allow it. In other words he never pooped.
The boy got really fat. He was just filled with so much poop! He had problems. His mother always tried to get him to poop as a kid, but he refused. She tried taking him to therapy sessions for shitting, but that didn't work either. He loved being filled with poop.
Steven, the fingernail, started getting depressed. he was cracked, and started getting moldy. He wanted to leap out of the boy's anus sooooo bad, but the boy duct taped his ass shut.
Poor Steven did not know what to do-- he has been digested twice, and did not want to die in the boy's large intestine. His friends and him did not have any more space to live! They were covered in poop from head to toe!
He said one day, "Uhhh this is disgusting guys!" and they nodded their fingernail heads in agreement. Steven decided that they must leave one day or they will stay there forever. So he got together with his ripped up fingernail friends and devised an escape plan.
"Okay guys, here's the plan," said Steve. "Some of us are still sharp. If he won't shit, we're gonna scratch our way out of his stomach. There's a soft spot next to his bellybutton." All the fingernails agreed this was the best plan yet. They waited till dusk to perform their task.... hoping, in their little nail-y hearts that the plan will work.......
Dusk came quickly. Steven was acting like a drill sergeant. "Ok move, move, move, move, move!" he yelled at his sharp friends. After an hour of hard work, they could see some light! They boy looked down at his stomach and saw a tiny little hole. It did not hurt him whatsoever, he was so full of shit that his system could not feel pain anymore. He looked at the hole in his stomach, shrugged and went on as if he didn't have a care in the world...
Shit started to leak out of the hole. "Hold on, men! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!!" Steve yelled. At first it was slow moving.... but then all the sudden the pressure from all the shit he had was released! The boy exploded from shit release! And that is how the boy died.
But, the fingernails were free!! Except that they went blind, because of how strong the sunlight was.
Only three of them survived that squirted out of the boy. The smell was so disgusting that it attracted all of the flies in the country. The three blind nails, wandered around the house of the kid. They were exhausted and broken.
Defenseless, they kept wandering. A dog suddenly found them and sniffed them. He licked their eyeballs and their sight returned...
"Oh, Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Ooooh man!" the nails cheered. The dog didn't eat them, because he had a feeling that they had feelings, and this was a very emotional dog.
Then the nails got a little depressed, because a lot of their friends died. But they turned out okay, because the dog was empathetic and helped them through their hard times.
They eventually rotted in the unsweeped kitchen floor, and died the way they did not want to die.
The End!!