The Attack (Followed By A Slight, Subtle Flow Of Urine In The Pants)

"Whaaat?! Another post in the same month? For realzz?!" You may ask. The answer is, "Uh-huh."
Anyways, I'm going to talk about the Fourth of July. Well, just fireworks, I guess. People only care for the 4th because of the fireworks anyway.
So every year when we have our Driveway Of Fireworks, someone always does SOMETHING clumsy. For example, I think it was last year when I threw a firework up in the air, but I threw it too soon, and I couldn't see where it would land until it started to light up two inches away from my face. I tripped and fell backwards, and the firework continued between my legs. Jamie also threw one up in the air, and the pine tree almost caught on fire.
This year was a lil different.
First of all, it was raining. But we started out with simple sparklers, then fountains, then we ran around in the warm rain in the street barefooted and with a California Candle in hand. It was kind of scary, I tried running away from it but I couldn't let go of the damn thing.
Anyways, the finale.
The high-flying fireworks are now legal in Utah, so we bought one for our finale. It said on the packaging-- as well as the guy that sold it to us told us-- that it goes about 75 feet in the air, and lasts about 30 seconds. So, that's what we were expecting.
My dad lit the thing in the middle of the street, when no cars were passing by.
We looked up, and saw a firework explode... maybe 20 feet in the air.
Apparently, this was the devil's firework, and this was only a distraction so the mass destruction could begin.
All of the sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I see some of the firework shoot out towards the lawn, bounce, and then explodes in the big, spherical way it does. (Now, keep in mind that what I'm about to say all happened in about 4 or 5 seconds.) Then I see my mom on the wet sidewalk, with her arms in the air and hips swing from side to side suddenly stop, and she crouched down and screamed. I heard the blood-curdling--yet playful-- scream as my sisters started to run up the driveway. Part of the firework launched across the street, and exploded in its spherical form and lit up my neighbor's porch. I looked at my dad that was a couple feet in front and to the right of me, crouch down so that the bit of firework missed hitting his face and exploded right next to me on the ground. As I slightly turned my head, I came to find a firework bite my cheek and explode in my face, as well as my thigh. Now I screamed, and as the fireworks boomed big and loud in my face, I peed. Just a lil bit. And then I ran, almost tripped, towards my house and behind the pine tree for cover, and my mom quickly followed. We watch the 7 seconds of remaining firework that did not shoot 70 feet in the sky, but more like 50 feet in every direction; the exploding balls probably about 2 or 3 feet in diameter. (Haha, exploding balls.)
So... we only got about 10-12 seconds of our dysfunctional finale, but if were any longer it might have done some serious damage.
So, that's how my Fourth of July went this year, folks.

Sarah-Jessica Parker Has A Horse-Dick Face, Or: The Most Pointless Day Of My Life. By Jess.

I may or may not delete this later. Because this is going to be a ranting blog post. But we'll see how this goes.
So, I suppose my day technically started at 2 a.m. That's when I fell asleep. (I'm finding it harder and harder to fall asleep without music playing, which isn't good. Cause I used to be good with sleeping schedules, and I don't wanna mess it up... I also have a job and yadda yadda yaddaaaa yeah.) Anyways, I was on the toilet the ENTIRE time in my dream, and people were just walking in and out. I was in this room and there were giant walls of glass. I was on display like a fucking animal in the zoo and people would go crazy when the animal takes a shit close to the observer. (I always got excited when the monkeys pissed on the window.) Anyway. All I can remember is that Dallas was being an asshole in some way, and I was just talkin' shit about him while I was on the toilet. It stressed me out.
Then I woke up at 8:30.
Then I'm pretty sure I stared at the computer screen (mostly facebook) until 10 or 11ish. Then I ate. Then my mom left for yoga, and my dad left for the Colonial Days in Provo, because he's doing something with his Irish band or something there. I watched some of this movie that was playing on TV called "Tamara Drewe." Then I tried to tell Hayli to tell me what to eat because I was hungry and we don't have that much food in our house. But she was no help.
And theeeen I helped Leila get her curly wig on, because Hayli and Leila were going to leave to do Irish dancing while my dad played music at Colonial Days. I didn't want to go to Colonial Days. So I stayed home by myself.
By this time, It's probably around 5:30. I watched Seinfeld, then Family Guy. Then I thought to myself, "I'm going to make myself some popcorn cause I want to eat something." So as I was making popcorn, I tried singing to myself, but I got embarrassed once I did. And then I started feeling bad about myself.
"Fuck you, Jess. You can't sing," said the bad voice in my head. :(
So then I went back, and nothing was on TV. So I went to the channels that play movies all day without commercials. They were all really crappy movies, so I settled on.... I don't remember what it's called, but Hugh Grant and Sarah-Jessica Parker were the main characters and yadda yadda. I decided on this one, because I saw "About A Boy" the other day on that same channel, and I was like, "Hey, I kind of like this movie. I was probably in a bad mood when I saw it the first time. But I like it this time." And you know, Hugh Grant was in it... so I was thinking, this movie might be good?
As I watched it, I was like, "Good God, Sarah-Jessica Parker looks like a.... horse.... skeleton.... alien. And her character is a bitch. Why does Hugh Grant love her? Hmm? Why? I don't fucking get it! His character is completely 2 dimensional!"
Then I was like, "Oh yeah, this is probably a chick movie."
And then I was like, "Dammit Hugh Grant, love ME!!!"
And then I realized, "Wait a minute, I don't like Hugh Grant all that much.... I just want a boyfriend."
And then I thought, "It's cause she's skinny, isn't it!!!!!"
And then I was like, "Goddammit I don't think I can watch the rest of this movie. This is terrible.  No more horse-skeleton and rambling ass-face for me. (Parker and Grant.)" But I watched it anyway.
And then I thought, "Wait wait. I shouldn't automatically make fun of Sarah-Jessica Parker's looks... I mean, I cut my own hair and I'm out of make up and I have this vein under my right eye and I have a million blackheads which makes my face look like a fucking orange peel."
Then my face was like this :(
And then I played with Bunny for a little bit.
And then I was like, "Shit I don't want to compare myself to Sarah-Jessica Parker!!!!! What am I thinking???"
And then I was like, "I can't believe I just watched that whole movie when I could have done something productive while I am home alone."
But I still felt bad about my face, so I looked up home-remedies to get rid of blackheads. I'm going to try the lemon juice and rosewater mix. It's supposed to work completely in 2 weeks time.
Then I got really pissed off that I was feeling bad about myself for most of my day. Cause Usually I have a great time by myself. So I decided to get everything out in a blog post. And now I'm tired so I'll probably go to bed. Cause I have work tomorrow.
Bloopy bloop.
Horse-dick-face over and out.

Story Time, With Tess Bybee and Clarifying Questions by Jess Perry

me: Tess tell me a fucking story or something

 

 te:  OKay

This one time

There was a sheep

And he lived in, a fancy fancy fort

That was built by pixies

 

 me:  Did the sheep have a dick or a vajayjay?

 

 te:  It was a dick

ANyway

He fell a asleep in his fort one time

In a cute little sleeping bag

When he woke up, he realized he was being carried by something, or someone

But he was still in his sleeping bag, and so he couldn't see who it was

So he fell back asleep

 

 me:  was it a conspiracy?

 

 te:  Hush

Just listen

 me:  okay okay

 

 te:  So, when he woke up again

He was in a fancy fancy palace

 me:  made of teeth?

 

 te:  Some of it yes

 

 me:  were there rapists about?

 

 te:  No, I said hush!

 

 me:  kayyyy

 

 te:  So.. he was in a palace

And there was a very pretty big hairy thing

 

 me:  (that's the rapist?)

 

 te:  (that was bigfoot, but the sheep doesn't know what a bigfoot is)

 

 me:  (oh okay. So does bigfoot have a dick, or a vagina?)

 

 te:  Vagina

And there are no rapists in this story, so don't say that anymore!

Any way

The girl bigfoot was in a nice pretty dress, made out of people teeth

And the sheep said

"You are so pretty, I love your people teeth dress."

And the bigfoot said

 

 me:  Oh god they're going to mate, huh.

 

 te:  SSHHH

Jess, shut up

Just listen dammit

"And then...

The big foot said

"Thank you sooo much. People Ivory is the best, typed of ivory you know"

"That must have been expensive" said the sheep

"Actually I made it myself, from teeth that I extracted from people that I poached"

Said the bigfoot

 

 me:  (does big foot have a missing toe?)

 

 te:  Jess, hush

NO

Shh

okay, so

let me think

 

 me:  (does teeth come out instead of puss when she pops her zits?)

 

 te:  Jess

No

okay, then the sheep was like "I'd very much like to go on such an excavation, with a fine lady such as yourself"

And then

The Bigfoot said "Then we shall embark!"

 

 me:  The sheep. Is totally making a move on bigfoot. They're going to mate in the end, huh.

 

 te:  Jess, just listen

And the lady bigfoot put the sheep back in his sleeping bag, and went downtown

And then she punched some people in the face and got some teeth

And then she went back to her palace

 

 me:  Did she eat them like tic-tacs?

 

 te:  No

 

So she opened the sleeping bag to show her lil sheepy

But, the sheep had suffocated

 

 me:  :O

 

 te:  And so lady bigfoot cried and cried

and then she ate him

The end

 

 me:  Phew. Well, I'm glad that Bigfoot didn't do anything sexual after the sheep suffocated. That would have been messed up.

You were totally going to make something kinky happen until I asked about it huh

 

 te:  Yeah, but not that kinky.

Uh oh!

Dear Boobie-followers,

(Sorry I said that you should expect a post in the following week in the last post. I was just in a good mood then, and then after that I wasn't. So suck it. Here's one now.)
Just because I have very few followers, I'm going to tell you a naughty secret. It makes me giggle-y to think about it, but it's actually just embarrassing...
So this is the story: I went through the whole day wearing my underwear inside-out. I didn't notice 'till not too long ago.
And, me just being myself, I start over analyzing this obscure fact about today.
I took a test on copyright issues..... with my underpants on inside-out.
I played the ukulele and learned a new song.... with my underpants on inside-out.
I socialized with several different people... with my underpants on inside-out.
Then I tried imagining people's reactions if we were just in normal conversation, and then I just blurt out, "Aaaah my underwear is on inside-out right now."
Stephanie would probably cringe her face a little bit, then say, "Well I'm sorry to hear that."
Tess would probably say, "You dingus."
Genevieve would either start laughing, or say, "Jess. I don't want to know that right now," or look at me straight in the eye and say, "Jess. Are you having a moment?"
Morgan would probably say something like, "Sexy," or "Uhm, okay?"
Dallas would probably go like this: "Aaaaah! Jess don't tell me that!"
Mercedes' eyes would probably go real big, then say, "Jess! Really?!"
Shannen would probably tilt her head to the side and go, "Awww." Or, she would say, "Okay. I don't know why you just told me that."
Lara would probably tell me about a similar experience about herself. I think.

Anyways, that is my naughty secret for the day.

I LOVE it when this happens!

Hello, again! Hope you are feeling well.

You know, this really portrays how I feel today.

Have a swell day!

(P.S. Get ready for another post-- coming this week!)

Story Time With Jess Perry and Mercedes Navarro-Hartridge

Once upon a time, there was this fingernail that was thrown in the trashcan. He was like, "Uh oh! Shit! I don't know what to do! Ahhh!" he said in an Irish accent. Then a little kid looked into the trash can, and said, "Oh yum!! A fingernail!!" he picked it up and ate it. The fingernail yelled, "Please don't eat me!!!" and the kid looked down at it...
"Please! Oh god! Don't eat me!! Pleeeease!" said the fingernail. The kid thought he was hallucinating, and so he ate it anyway. It was dark and mushy in his system... he did not like it. Not one bit.
Years passed and the kid was grown up now, but he kept on eating fingernails, so the fingernail made a lot of friends that named him Steven. Steven could not get out of the little boy's system. No matter how hard he tried to get out from the other side, the boy would not allow it. In other words he never pooped.
The boy got really fat. He was just filled with so much poop! He had problems. His mother always tried to get him to poop as a kid, but he refused. She tried taking him to therapy sessions for shitting, but that didn't work either. He loved being filled with poop.
Steven, the fingernail, started getting depressed. he was cracked, and started getting moldy. He wanted to leap out of the boy's anus sooooo bad, but the boy duct taped his ass shut.
Poor Steven did not know what to do-- he has been digested twice, and did not want to die in the boy's large intestine. His friends and him did not have any more space to live! They were covered in poop from head to toe!
He said one day, "Uhhh this is disgusting guys!" and they nodded their fingernail heads in agreement. Steven decided that they must leave one day or they will stay there forever. So he got together with his ripped up fingernail friends and devised an escape plan.
"Okay guys, here's the plan," said Steve. "Some of us are still sharp. If he won't shit, we're gonna scratch our way out of his stomach. There's a soft spot next to his bellybutton." All the fingernails agreed this was the best plan yet. They waited till dusk to perform their task.... hoping, in their little nail-y hearts that the plan will work.......
Dusk came quickly. Steven was acting like a drill sergeant. "Ok move, move, move, move, move!" he yelled at his sharp friends. After an hour of hard work, they could see some light! They boy looked down at his stomach and saw a tiny little hole. It did not hurt him whatsoever, he was so full of shit that his system could not feel pain anymore. He looked at the hole in his stomach, shrugged and went on as if he didn't have a care in the world...
Shit started to leak out of the hole. "Hold on, men! This is gonna be a bumpy ride!!" Steve yelled. At first it was slow moving.... but then all the sudden the pressure from all the shit he had was released! The boy exploded from shit release! And that is how the boy died.
But, the fingernails were free!! Except that they went blind, because of how strong the sunlight was.
Only three of them survived that squirted out of the boy. The smell was so disgusting that it attracted all of the flies in the country. The three blind nails, wandered around the house of the kid. They were exhausted and broken.
Defenseless, they kept wandering. A dog suddenly found them and sniffed them. He licked their eyeballs and their sight returned...
"Oh, Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Ooooh man!" the nails cheered. The dog didn't eat them, because he had a feeling that they had feelings, and this was a very emotional dog.
Then the nails got a little depressed, because a lot of their friends died. But they turned out okay, because the dog was empathetic and helped them through their hard times.
They eventually rotted in the unsweeped kitchen floor, and died the way they did not want to die.
The End!!

My Current Breakfast: Fried Peanut Butter Tortilla and The World's Best Cuppa Coffee!

Bonjour!
Yeah I know it's been a month, so shut up. I just never know what to talk about.
Hmm... wanna hear about some events coming up? Okay, okay.
- This Saturday, Tess and I have another show at Muse... but the difference between this time and all the other times is that this is a Song Writers Competition! Aaaah! We need to practice. As much. As. We. Can.
- Next week is the beginning of the "Write a Novel In a Month" challenge. What is this, you might ask? Well, you see, it's a challenge that my English teacher gave my Writing Major class, where we... you know... write a novel in a month. Cool, huh?
- Uhm... in a couple weeks I'm going to go up to SLC again to the Sugar House Coffee place... and drink coffee. And probably eat a vegan cookie. And probably write. Because by then, it will be the middle of the "Write a Novel in a Month" thing.

Damn, this is boring.
... You know what's fun to say? "Bukowski." You know what's fun to read? Something by Bukowski.
Okay, now you should watch this sexy, shirtless man play the accordion.
Uhm.
Have a nice day!